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Differences Are Our Superpower: Tips to Overcome Social Comparison

By Vicky Pond Dunlop, MedL, teen advocate, Founder of The Future You Project

Lives in Auckland, New Zealand.


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I don’t know about you, but I love learning how our brains work; anything to do with social psychology (how people experience their world) and I’m all in. I find it fascinating how our emotions, thoughts and behaviour (what makes up our mind) influence and are influenced by what we see, hear and experience and I am not ashamed to admit I am a geek in this area. For example, one concept that is totally relatable to our lives is social comparison. This is a doozy, and unpins a lot of what we (especially as women) experience and are challenged by, in the world. Social comparison is when we evaluate our abilities and attitudes compared to others, and is a concept that plays a significant role in our self-image and our well-being.

 

Let me explain why I wanted to talk about this. Would you agree that one of the most damaging subconscious acts we participate in as women is comparing ourselves to others? Women of all ages, more than any other genders, are no strangers to being called out for what we wear, what we look like, the size and shape of our body, and what we say – is this your experience too? Even though we are told “it’s our body, our choice (what we do with it)”, it’s easier said than done, right? This is where the psychology of human behaviour comes in.

 

Many would argue it is human nature to be motivated to understand where we fit in the world. Back many centuries, this adapting and changing to others standards would literally keep women alive. Just look at the women accused of being witches back in America’s dark past in and around the 1600s. Any woman who did not conform to society’s standards of acceptable behaviour could be accused of being a witch, and some ended up being tortured and killed. Yikes. While today we may not be put on trial and/or killed for being perceived as different, but it can have a real psychological toll when we are made to feel like we don’t fit in or are shamed for how we look, what we believe, or how we behave.

 

In order to feel like we belong, are safe, that we are not going to be burned a metaphorical stake, we look to others, comparing ourselves, keeping a scorecard in our heads that rates us against others. This is social comparison, and is a process we participate in throughout our lives, often using this concept to assess our whole worth. As we grow we make it our mission, especially as women, to be ‘perfect’, to protect us from being isolated, rejected, hurt. So who tells us what perfect is?

 

Perhaps the most critical voices are found in the media. Social media specifically can be so fickle, tormenting us with unattainble standards. Still, we often look to social media to inform us how how we measure up – prettiness, body shape, social status. Yet we only show a small portion of who we are online - influencers and celebrities have their social media image curated by experts in marketing and promotion so they aren’t necessarily going to show themselves any way but ‘perfect’ as they too get called out for being less than perfect.

 

What can we do to overcome the need to compare ourselves to others? By first acknowledging that comparing ourselves to others is what we do instinctively, but we are in charge of our thoughts and actions. Once we can understand ourselves, we can think for ourselves, and think critically, challenge what we see, hear and even think. So here are a few tools to help with those thoughts:

 

  • Call out your own tendency to compare yourself to others when you note it happening. That mean girl in your head is often far meaner than anyone outside of you.  Embracing your own individuality and not just conforming to others’ standards is a life long journey, but one that needs to start today to shift your thinking.

  • Form your own opinions and be mindful of who you align yourself with - choose your tribe (your people), wisely. Surround yourself with positive cheerleaders, not those who fill your head with doubts about your worth.

  • Be curious – read, listen, look, question – use whatever medium you want to learn new things. This is how you will see how different we all are, and how we all fall victim to comparison-itis (comparing yourself to trending looks, toxic beauty ideals, other friends, etc). Don’t believe everything you read, hear, or think – question it.

  • Fill your Tiktok and Instagram feeds with positive content and only follow people that make you feel good. By looking at and following a variety of different people with different backgrounds, perspectives, looks and values you will see how different we all are and you can use this to build a balanced sense of self-worth.

 

Jess Quinn is an advocate for diversity in media. She has been a model, and activist for young women in Aotearoa New Zealand, and happens to have a prosthetic leg. She once was quoted as saying:

 

“Our differences are our superpower...don’t ever compare your living breathing, beautifully imperfect real-life human self to someone else’s online content.”

 

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 References:

  •  Engeln, R. PhD (2018). Beauty Sick: How the cultural obsession with appearance hurts girls and women. 

  • Duff, S., Kielthy, C., Roe, J. (Eds) (2019).  Teen Breathe: Be brave  

  • Dent, M. (2022). Girlhood: Raising our little girls to be healthy, happy and heard. 


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